Update 2

Right after Hillary's speech, Obama made a speech. Here is a direct quote from that speech.

"Sometimes we forget that we aren't a collection of red states and blue states, but one united country." and this was followed by a chant of "U-S-A" from the crowd (Hillary had a HILL-A-RY chant.)

I disagree with Obama on many political issues, but I saw every speech on the news, and while no candidate was as polarizing as Hillary Clinton, nobody else even suggested something like that. I'm a McCain man, not an Obama man...but if for some reason I lose the election, and McCain isn't nominated, I want him to be next in line. But since I will win the presidency, Senator Obama will have to settle for a cabinet position.

Update:

Minutes after I posted that last thing, I turned on the news and saw Hillary Clinton making a Super Tuesday speech in some state she just won. She's running against Obama, but her entire speech was about, and this is a direct quote, "Taking the country back from the Republicans." If you still need more proof that I'm right, I'm sure theres some Republican on TV right now explaining that John McCain is actually a liberal and therefore shouldn't be president. I know the whole Hans Gruber thing is kind of silly, but seriously people... if any of you honestly think that members and supporters of the opposite political party are automatically wrong, than get the hell out of my country. The Nazis thought being Jewish made someone evil, and how did that turn out? As a registered Republican, I can name many Democrats that I like and many Republicans that I hate. People like Hillary need to wake up. The only people more ignorant than Hillary Clinton are the people that support her without being able to list any reasons other than "It's time for a woman to be president." Being a woman doesn't qualify someone to be president anymore than the color of their underwear does.

One Candidate to Lead Them All...

Hello, America. As many of you know, I will soon be running for the office of President of the United States of America, with Mr. John Ganiard as my Vice President. Chances are, many of you reading this will be in my cabinet, so listen up.

I get many interesting questions on the campaign trail, but one in particular got me thinking. I didn’t expect any tough questions from this one tiny stop on my national campaign (a local Starbucks), but these people were mostly Democrats and Republicans and therefore hated me. A question from a Democrat about national health care turned into me teaching everyone about a man named Vladimir Lenin, while a question from a Republican about same-sex marriage somehow ended with him lecturing me on how the Jews buried fossils in the 1800’s. Finally, towards the end of the meeting, a little girl asked me this: “Why should we give our vote to you instead of whoever wins our party’s nomination?”

I’ve thought long and hard about this, and here it is. The country has never been this divided without having half the states secede from the Union. Liberals and conservatives are at each other’s throats and neither side seems to be giving any ground. A presidential election should be about choosing the man (gender preference intended) who can do the best job as leader of our country, but we aren’t even out of the primaries yet and it’s turning into a war between parties. People shouldn't support a candidate just because they think they can defeat the other party’s nominee, they should support someone because they believe their person can do the best job. At the risk of sounding like Rush Limbaugh, most of this seems to be coming from the Democrats. It started out as hatred of George Bush, but now every time I hear someone speak their support for Obama or Clinton (mostly Clinton), they aren’t able to make their point without somehow inferring that Republicans are inherently evil.

We are all on the same side here, America, let’s not forget that. We aren’t “Left America” and “Right America.” We’re “TEAM America!” Not many people know this, but Ronald Reagan and I used to play golf on the weekends. Once, towards the end of his life, I visited him in the hospital. Now, none of you ever knew Ronald Reagan. It was long before your time, but you know what a legend he is in America. And the last thing he said to me was “Creighton… sometime, when Team America is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys… tell them to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper. I don’t know where I’ll be then, Creighton. But I’ll know about it…and I’ll be happy.”

Now, a lot of that was the Alzheimer’s, but it’s still a good point. Every time Team America has been divided, a bad guy came along and saved the day (except Abe Lincoln, he was a good guy). Before we were even a country, we were united against the British. When Democrats were trying to blame Herbert Hoover for the Great Depression, we were united against the Japanese. And when we were all divided about the war in Vietnam, we were united against Richard Nixon…even though he ended it.

“What about Osama Bin Laden?” That’s what you’re thinking isn’t it? When I said we needed a common enemy I meant a badass Hollywood bad guy, not a pussy who hides in caves all day and brainwashes people to do his dirty work. Did Darth Vader hide behind the Death Star during the Rebel assault? NO! He got in a TIE Fighter and personally led the attack. Did David Lo Pan run away when Kurt Russell started treading on his turf? NO! He kidnapped Wang Chi’s girlfriend and tried to fight Kurt Russell by using his little magic tricks. This country needs a real badass enemy to be scared shitless of.

Imagine this: You are alone in a big empty room. The door opens, and in steps Bin Laden. What do you do? You kick his ass! But what if Bin Laden didn’t walk in? What if the Shredder or Doctor Octopus walked in? You don’t fight a man with four robot arms…you run away and call for help. You don’t care if help is a Democrat, a Republican, or even a Libertarian. You don’t care because you are united in fear.

So, to finally answer that sweet little girl’s question of why Team America should vote for me, I give you this:

That’s right. If elected president of Team America, I would make it my duty to defeat Hans Gruber. Sure I would take care of all the other little domestic issues you people complain about, but my main goal is to defeat Hans Gruber. I would die before I let this evil German hurt a fellow American. If elected, I’ll be the first one in Nakatomi Plaza when we go to stop him. But I can’t do it without help. Since Mr. Ganiard and I are not running with either of the major political parties, we would need you people to stop bickering and vote for us.

So here’s the deal, Team America. You guys stop fighting like a bunch of little girls, and I will protect you from a terrorist portrayed by Alan Rickman. Democrats and Republicans aren’t the bad guys, Germans are. As far as I know, John McClane isn’t running for president, so I am your only logical choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thought about the fact that my entire campaign is based on fear of a fictional German… but it’s better to hate a fake enemy than a real teammate.

The new bumper sticker (updated 10/26)

To make my campaign official, I am going to be creating bumper stickers. Seriously. Mr. John Ganiard called dibs first, so he got the VP ticket. The text at the bottom says "Smarter Leaders for a Smarter America"

America: Meet Your Next President!

As the 2008 Presidential Election draws near, Americans are beginning to split into many groups with different loyalties. Sure, there are the Democrats and the Republicans… but it goes much deeper than that. Liberals send their support to Hillary Clinton, Barrack Obama, and for those who hate John Kerry the most: John Edwards. Conservatives are split between Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and about 7 other random people. We may only be in the primary campaign phase, but voters have cast themselves into many rivalries. Hillary’s people hate Obama’s people. Religious people hate Rudy. Hillary may seem to be in the lead for the Democrats, but in my eyes there is no clear leader for either party. You can’t claim to be a leader if a sizeable number of people in your own party don’t like you (John Kerry anyone?). Because of all this bickering and fighting, I have decided to offer the country a solution: Me.

That’s right. I, Creighton Paul McEleney, am offering my services to you, the American people, by officially announcing my candidacy. Don’t bother asking what party I’m in. Democrats don’t like me because I DON’T mind killing murderers and I DO have a problem with killing unborn babies. Republicans don’t like me because I DON’T have a problem with gay people and I DO believe in evolution. But maybe...just maybe…America can learn to hate me equally, and to hate me just a little less than the other candidates. You may be wondering where I stand on the major issues and why I deserve your vote. Well, here it is:

Let’s start with something easy: Universal healthcare. You know who would really like Hillary’s little healthcare plan? Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov. That’s right, the great Lenin. In fact, much like Mrs. Clinton, Lenin’s rise to power came from a base of Socialism and retreat. Our country spent the last half of the 20^th Century fighting the spread of Socialism in the world, and yet millions of Americans embrace this philosophy today because they want to save money on doctor visits. Insurance companies may be riddled with ass holes, but I would rather have them in charge than a new government agency. At least this way I get to choose which ass hole I get insurance from. I don’t have any problem with helping the poor, but the last thing we should be doing in this country is forcibly redistributing the money that people earn. Should rich people choose to help out poor people? Yes. Should the government force them to? Absolutely not. In America we have this magical idea called “Capitalism”, and we shouldn’t stray away from this idea simply because some twat in New York wants the country to see her as a savior. If I stay healthy, why should I pay taxes out my ass for someone’s emergency room visit after they got drunk and crashed their car into a tree?

Now a shot at the Republicans: Gay marriage. Gay people don’t hurt me. I don’t think they’re going to hell for being attracted to people who have the same naughty bits as them. So why the hell should I care if they want to get married? In fact, I think they should be encouraged to get married and adopt kids. There are millions of kids in the world waiting to be adopted. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can’t buy them all, so who better to adopt children than two people who can’t make their own? The whole “between a man and a woman” argument is bullshit. My prediction is that gay people will become our generation’s black people. Here’s what I mean: One day our grandchildren will be learning about how gays were discriminated against. They couldn’t get married, they couldn’t join the military, and they were threatened by white trash yokels and Tim Hardaway all around the country. Sounds a bit like a certain group of people who used to have to go to different schools, use different drinking fountains, and get threatened by white trash. In 50 years, I’d rather be compared to one of Martin Luther King’s white friends than Strom Thurmond. If you think that letting homosexuals get married will directly impact your life in a negative way, you probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Illegal Immigration: I could write about 20 pages on this alone, so I’m going to be as brief as possible. As the great-great-grandsomething of Irish immigrants, it would be hypocritical of me to be against immigration. The key word here, however, is “illegal.” Terrorism is one of the biggest threats to our country, and because of this our government has a responsibility to its citizens to know who is coming into our country and what they are doing. Our immigration policy should be reformed to make it easier for people to come to this country, but at the same time we need to tighten our border security to prevent criminals (or worse) from coming in. If it were easier for people to legally come to this country, less people would be sneaking in and more people would be paying income taxes instead of getting money under the table. This is a win-win situation for everyone except racists. Additionally, if businesses were forced to pay immigrants the same as citizens, they would have no incentive to hire one group over another. It’s not that they “do jobs Americans won’t do”, its that they are willing to work for much less than Americans. I don’t, however, support amnesty for people already here. They knowingly broke our countries laws, and they should be treated that way instead of like victims. I’m tired of seeing these sob stories on the news about Mexicans who came here illegally and have to deal with the consequences of being caught. They broke the law. They should be sent back to wherever they came from and come back using the newer, easier, and legal way that I am dreaming of. Similar to gay people, I see Mexicans as the Irish of our time. The 19^th century Irish were treated very similarly to today’s Mexicans. I think they should be allowed to come here, but at the same time our government needs to be able to keep an eye on them until they become full citizens.

I am hardly a religious man, but even so, I am against abortion. I see this as more of a matter of common sense than an argument between religious beliefs and women’s rights. It’s not about a “woman’s right to chose.” Once you have a living entity growing inside you, you have no more right to decide its fate than you do the fate of your neighbors. If you don’t want to get pregnant, than express your “right to chose” to use birth control. They have the pill, condoms, diaphragms, and a million other crazy ideas that keep you from getting knocked up. If you get pregnant when you don’t want to, it’s your own fault. If I don’t want to be bored, I avoid watching shows like “Grey’s Anatomy.” I don’t watch the show, then murder the producer for wasting my time.

And what if during the pregnancy you find that your child is retarded, or they have some fucked up disease like Tay-Sachs? Well, Hitler, the last thing you should probably do is kill them. When someone justifies an abortion by saying “I didn’t want to bring a child into the world that would probably have a short and miserable life,” what they really mean is “I’m too much of a pussy to raise a child that will require more responsibility than a normal child.” If you get pregnant and you decide you don’t want a child, have the baby and put it up for adoption (perhaps to a nice gay couple). Pregnancy isn’t a medical condition that can be “cured.” In fact, it’s necessary to human life and yet completely preventable. To me, this has nothing to do with religion. This is about using common sense and doing what’s right.

Since I just talked about abortion, I might as well touch on stem cells. Stem cells are a crazy thing to talk about. We have been promised miracle cures for everything from Parkinson’s disease to amputated limbs, and yet there is the whole moral issue of using aborted fetuses to get them. Sure you can use umbilical stem cells and what not, but the best, most promising stem cells come straight from dead babies. Luckily, scientists recently found out how to make stem cells duplicate. So guess what? We take the existing stem cell lines that George W. Bush kept around…and we let the cells replicate themselves so we have enough to do research on, and eventually use for all these miracle cures. When I first read about stem cell replication, I assumed this would happen, but it didn’t. In fact, it wasn’t even that big of a news story. This is one of those things that will leave some people angry. There will still be a moral issue because the original stem cells came directly from aborted babies, and I’m sure current supporters of stem cell research will find something to bitch about too. Well, this is called a “compromise.” I took the best of both worlds, and combined them into something that will leave everyone sort of happy. This is such a simple solution, I’m almost positive I’m not the only person who has thought of it. I should still get credit for it, however.

Another hot topic is today’s “energy crisis.” This also has some simple solutions. First of all, we should start to build more nuclear power plants to replace our old coal and oil based ones. Nuclear power is ridiculously cheap and doesn’t pollute. In fact, the only by-product can be easily managed simply by placing it in an underground pool of water, which blocks most of the radiation. People don’t trust nuclear power for two reasons. First: those idiots at Chernobyl fucked up and scared everyone. Second: It has the word “nuclear” in it. Well, if you’re afraid of global warming (which I’m not) then you should be a big fan of nuclear power.

The second part of the energy crisis is gasoline. We are too dependent on foreign oil, and our gas prices are freakishly high. Well, the first thing we can do is start drilling for oil in Alaska. Nobody wants to do it because Alaska is pretty and whatever, but there’s a shitload of oil there that would bring down gas prices tremendously. The second step in the gasoline crisis is to get off of gasoline altogether. I don’t feel like diving too deeply into the science of my idea, but here’s what we do: We set up solar power plants that convert plain old water into hydrogen and oxygen gas practically for free. Then, we start using the hydrogen for gas in the fuel cell cars that all the major car companies will have started selling at a reasonable price. Instead of carbon monoxide, cars will shoot out water. Best of all, anyone who purchases a fuel cell car will be eligible for a tax break. Pollution? BAM! Reliance on foreign oil? BAM! This idea kicks so much ass, I might as well declare myself President of Earth right now.

Now the big one: The “war” in Iraq. First of all, let’s be clear on this. The war has been over for years. We should be calling it the “Occupation in Iraq,” because that’s exactly what it is.

Now, we could argue about whether or not we should be there till the cows come home…but we wouldn’t accomplish anything. Instead, we need to concentrate on what we are going to do now that we are already there. My two biggest fears of leaving Iraq too soon are:

1) Iran takes over as soon as we are gone, and they set up an anti-American terrorist state.

2) As soon as we leave, millions of innocent people are slaughtered, a la Vietnam.

We need to take a serious look at the Iraqi leadership and see if the right people are in charge. If not, we need to kick them in the ass a little bit, then give them the tools they need to succeed in creating a strong pro-American government that respects the rights of its people, regardless of religion. I don’t care anymore about whether or not Iraq fully adopts a democratic system based off America’s. Would I prefer American democracy? Yes, but I think we should do anything we can to make Iraq self-governing while giving its citizens equal rights. If this means splitting Iraq up, fine…whatever. As your future president, I acknowledge that you are all growing tired of the occupation. We need to figure something out as quickly as possible, but at the same time we can’t rush it and do a half-assed job.

Now that you know where I stand, I can’t wait for the election. If I don’t make it on the ballot as a 3^rd party, feel free to put my name (Creighton Paul McEleney) in the write-in spot. Also, I have yet to come up with a name for my party. Here are my top 3: The Republocrat Party, The Creighton Party, and The Duh Party. Feel free to submit any of your own party name creations as you join me in the cause. Once again, thank you, America. Together we can fight George Soros leftism, crazy religious rightism, and overall stupidity in our glorious nation. I welcome your support, America, and I hope the next time I speak to you will be during my inauguration.

Your Future President-

Creighton P. McEleney

White people aren't the only ones who can be racist....

I’m sure you are all aware of this Don Imus fiasco by now. You may have read it in the paper or heard about it on the radio, but if you’ve seen it on TV, chances are you have also seen Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson parading around to every network. Before I go any further let me state that I am not one of these guys defending Imus by making him out to be a scapegoat, like many conservative TV and radio people are doing. Unless what he said was taken out of context, which I doubt, Imus deserved to be punished.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me get to the bigger problem: The two racist ass holes above. That’s right, racist. It goes both ways folks. Every time a white person does something to a black person, these clowns start showing up on every major network to complain about it. You never hear them talk about black people doing things to white people, but more importantly they never complain when black people hurt other black people. You never her them complain because they don’t care about helping black people, they only care about making white people look racist. They’re supposed to be these big civil rights leaders, but they have double standards for everything.

Rap music repeatedly refers to black women using terms that are much more offensive than anything Imus has said, but I have yet to see either of these guys get on CNN and condemn Akon or Ludacris. Who do you think is a bigger threat to black people: some racist white ass hole that nobody listens to, or a successful rapper that makes kids think doing well in school or not doing drugs and banging a prostitute make you wimpy, lame, and “white.” Even though these thugs have more influence in one finger than Imus does in his entire body, you will never hear an Al Sharpton or a Jesse Jackson attack the music industry for perpetuating stereotypes and making shitty songs with annoying beats.

I saw Jackson on the news yesterday (or maybe Sharpton, I forget) and the interviewer brought up the same point: that everything he is accusing Imus of has been done by the rap industry for years. Jackson’s (or Sharpton’s) response: Imus is actually employed by the radio companies, but rap is simply played on their stations. Big fucking difference. When I hear something on the radio I don’t stop and question who pays their bills, I listen to what they’re saying. America’s youth is more easily influenced than any other age group, but they don’t listen to radio talk shows. From inner city black kids to rich white dumbass kids from the suburbs, they all listen to rap “music.”

Sharpton and Jackson spend their entire lives preaching equal rights and shit like that, but these are two of the most hypocritical people you will ever meet. You can’t say you want equal rights if you have a double standard for everything you stand for. People don’t realize it because they are black, but these guys are two of the most racist people in America. As I said earlier: they don’t give a shit about black people, they only care about hurting white people (usually conservative public figures.) 25% of New York City’s population is black, yet 75% of violent crimes there are committed by black men, many times against other blacks. I have never seen either of these guys go to New York and try to help clean the city up. You will never see them making speeches in the Bronx saying “Hey guys, stop robbing each other because it only gives stupid white people a reason to hate you guys. Here is an application for college, and a CD with actual music and lyrics that make sense. Go show white people that you can do anything they can.” But the minute a famous black person gets arrested, suddenly every cop involved is a racist. These two aren’t fixing problems, they’re making them worse.

One last thing: the term “African American” makes me want to go to a nursing home and push everyone in a wheelchair over. I am white, not “European American.” Like “African Americans,” I was born in America and should distinguish myself as such. Calling someone black is no more offensive than calling someone white. I’m tired of all this politically correct bullshit. There are three major problems with this term: It assumes all black people trace their ancestry to Africa, it assumes all black people live in America, and it assumes that they are somehow different from “regular” Americans and should be labeled as such. I’m not about to start referring to everyone by both their ancestry and their current nationality just to make absolutely sure nobody gets offended. I don’t know how to finish this off short of saying Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton should go fuck themselves.

An Inconvenient Lie

While I spent last week thinking about fantasy baseball, March Madness, and the start of the AFL season, it seemed like I was in a world of perpetual sports induced bliss. I should have known better. Instead of watching the news and seeing something that would make me mad, I flipped on the Discovery Channel hoping to see some Mythbusters, or perhaps some Dirty Jobs. What I saw was a special on the 7 greatest threats to human civilization. That sounded cool enough, so I decided to continue watching. There was some crazy bullshit about exploding stars and black holes. Then they got into the usual: Asteroids, super volcanoes, and nuclear war. When they mentioned disease I got worried that they would spew more crap about how bird flu will kill us all, but luckily they were more concerned about smallpox and terrorists. With only one danger remaining, I thought I had successfully made it into the weekend without being pissed off. Then the show came back from commercial, and they were showing melting icicles and baby polar bears. I jumped up from my seat and reached for the plug on my television, but I was too late. A deep voice cast two words through my room that knocked me on the floor, full of anger: Global Warming.

I won’t go into what I saw after that, mostly because I changed the channel to Cartoon Network and started yelling at the wall, but also because I have bigger fish to fry than the Discovery Channel. I am tired of seeing these ass holes on TV, telling us that if we don’t stop our evil ways of living we are all going to die. Al Gore is the big one, but there are plenty of others. They go around in their hybrid cars with smug faces acting like they are heroes among men. I think Leo DiCaprio is a great actor, but I couldn’t make myself sit through the Academy Awards when he got on stage with Al Gore and basically told us that we were looking at Jesus.

These people need to shut the fuck up. Everywhere I go now, people are talking about global warming like they are dying from it as they speak. Whenever it’s hot out you hear “Oh man, talk about global warming!” as if it isn’t normal to be 85 degrees out in the middle of July. I do enjoy the little bits of irony thrown in with the propaganda, however. This winter, a group of scientists went to Alaska to study the effects of global warming on the wildlife so they could come home with some more “proof” for Al Gore to force down our throats. Unfortunately, the expedition had to end early when three of the scientists got frostbite and their generator and computers stopped working because of the cold. Too bad they weren’t eaten by polar bears or something.

I used to think Al Gore just wanted the attention, but now I think he does this because he’s dumb. A few months ago there was a report made by a group of scientists claiming that they were 90% sure that global warming is our fault. I found this report online and perused it. The report was simply 25 pages explaining that the trend of warming began around the same time as the industrial revolution, and that it probably isn’t a coincidence. The dickless puppets who wrote this report are the same guys you see on TV every day, telling us that the scientific community is unanimous in its belief that we are causing global warming and that we will all die from it.

I find this hard to believe, considering that I have read numerous reports by climatologists saying that climate change is a natural phenomenon that won’t kill people. Unanimous my ass. I tend to believe these guys, considering they actually provide evidence instead of just saying “it’s probably not a coincidence.” By evidence I mean things like the fact that climate change has happened dozens of times before on Earth, or that the current trend of warming began long before we started making serious pollution.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the alternative energy revolution we are starting to see. The problem is I’m tired of people trying to scare me into it for the wrong reasons. Most of these people who get on TV and preach about clean energy and clean lifestyles are hypocritical ass holes. Al Gore takes a private jet to get everywhere, and his mansion uses 20 times as much energy as the average household. People seem to forget this, however, because Mr. Gore pays money for those stupid clean energy credits or whatever they are called. Basically, he pays someone else to cause less pollution instead of doing it himself. He isn’t the worst one either. The worst ones are these idiots that criticize the government for not looking into clean energy, but would kill their own baby if it would prevent a nuclear power plant from being built. Nuclear energy is cheap, clean, and extremely efficient. The only waste it produces is stored in pools deep underground to prevent contamination. They are virtually pollution free, but since that would be an easy solution people are against them. They would rather complain about the local coal plant than see a solution take effect.

I’ll make a deal with you guys: if global warming does in fact begin to kill off humanity and make all life on Earth fade away, you people can line up outside my house and have a free punch anywhere you want before you go back home to die. If it does happen and it turns out we could have prevented it, I won’t wear a nut cup. I have no doubt that the climate is changing, because statistics don’t lie and the climate has changed before. But I can tell you with absolute certainty that the change isn’t preventable, isn’t our fault, and won’t kill us. If every country in the world followed the Kyoto Protocol starting tomorrow, the climate would be .07 degrees cooler in 2050 than it will be if everything stays the same.

I know we will never stop hearing about how we are killing our planet and how America is evil for not changing. I’ve learned to deal with that, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I am considering putting a permanent tire fire in my back yard out of spite. I am not a religious man, but every time I drive by a hybrid car I pray that it gets t-boned by an SUV at the next intersection. In a world threatened by people like Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Hillary Clinton, we have much more to worry about than made up problems designed to scare us into carpooling. I am more afraid of Iran starting a nuclear war with Israel than I am of gas powered cars and incandescent light bulbs. Believe what you want about global warming, but if you think Al Gore is some sort of hero you need to get your priorities straight. People need to wake up and stop taking everything Al and his scientist buddies say as gospel.

It's About Damn Time

It makes me sad to have to be the first one to say it, but I’m glad that that stupid horse, Barbaro, finally bit the dust. I’m tired of hearing about how people have been sending him cards and flowers and all these little gifts. People seem to forget that this isn’t some little kid…it’s a damn horse. Horses suck, they all look like Julia Roberts.

On the news last night they said that some lady sent Barbaro a $350 bouquet of flowers. I’m sorry, but if you want to throw that much money away why not just donate it to something useful. There are plenty of charities out there for things like children with cancer, AIDS, and kidnapping Dakota Fanning. People act like Barbaro was some kind of national hero, like a sports star to be looked up to. In reality, all that stupid horse was good for was making rich ass holes more money. It’s horse racing, not the Olympics. Horses are pussies anyways. Any other animal can break its leg and do just fine. Hell, you could break into the hospital and break the legs of a bunch of babies in the middle of the night, and I guarantee you they would all be alive the next day. Instead of wasting all that money on surgery, rehab, and veterinary care…they should have just called me. I would have driven over night and shot Barbaro myself if I knew it would save me hours of pathetic news coverage.

Don’t get me wrong, animals are cute. But when you start treating them better than you treat most humans, all my sympathy goes out the window. There are a million better things the money spent on trying to save that horse could have gone to. Every time I see something on ESPN or the news about Barbaro, I just want to head north and start clubbing baby seals. Seriously, I’m tempted to just grab a nice big club with a nail sticking out of it and take it out on the seal babies. The pain they would endure would be less than what I go through every time I hear about Barbaro’s “courageous fight for survival,” or his “tragic end.” Courageous? What the hell makes breaking your leg and dying 9 months later courageous? Courage is going to Iraq and Afghanistan to risk your life protecting your country. It’s not like Barbaro made a conscious decision to try and heal, instead of giving up and just walking around on three legs forever.

What’s tragic about his death anyway? Unfortunate maybe, but not tragic. Thousands of animals die every single day. What makes Barbaro more important than a deer that gets hit by a truck at night, or a rabbit that gets eaten by a snake? The only difference between Barbaro and every other animal is that Barbaro was treated better than probably 90% of the humans on Earth, and Barbaro was good for making rich people more money to spend on hookers.

I know there are a lot of you who will read this and think I am evil while disagreeing with me. There are also plenty of people reading this that believe what I just said deep down but won’t say it. Honestly, I don’t care if you think I’m evil or not. Even though it happened 9 months too late, that stupid horse finally went belly up. I won’t have to hear about it again till the next Preakness and Kentucky Derby races roll around. So think what you want. Call him a hero, call him courageous, or call him brave. Just know that, with the Super Bowl not having been played yet, knowing that that stupid horse is finally dead is the greatest thing that could have happened to me this week. I only wish I could be there to dance on the huge memorial/grave that he will undoubtedly get.

Finally, something happy for a change.

After receiving a few complaints that I only focus on negative things and that I enjoy hating everything, I have decided to make a change this holiday season for the better. This time of year is one in which many people observe a holiday specific to them. There are traditional religious holidays, like Christmas and Hanukkah. There are also a few holidays perpetuated by retailers and toy stores, like….Christmas again. There are even a few made up, fake holidays such as Festivus and Kwanzaa.

Well, in the spirit of the season, I have decided to do everyone a favor by inventing a new holiday. This holiday will be on December 27^th, to give you guys a few days to screw around with your new video games or Star Wars guys. I am calling all of you to celebrate the first ever “Kick the Shit Out of a Little Kid Day.” I chose this for a few reasons. First of all, it will help you relieve stress by pounding your fists, shoes, and tire irons into the soft, fragile build of a child. Lets be honest, nothing makes your day better than knowing you ruined someone else’s.

The second main reason for my new holiday is that…well, someone needs to beat them. Most kids nowadays are spoiled brats because their parents are pussies. In the good ol’ days, if you broke a lamp or something you got your ass beat with a wooden spoon or a bag of oranges. Now when one of these little shits screws up, his parents just take the television out of his room. Hell, I didn’t even have a T.V. until I bought Devin’s when I was like 15. That T.V. was made in the same year I was born, and I didn’t bitch all. Kids are spoiled brats, and by beating them you will help yourself, the parents, and the kid. You get to relieve stress, and both the kid and his parents get to enjoy years of obedience and gratitude that they normally wouldn’t get.

So this is my gift to you this holiday season. Take it, cherish it, love it. This December 27^th, go find the neighbor kid down the street playing with his new Playstation 3, drag the little bastard into the street….and kick the shit out of him. You are welcome in advance.